WTF with Indecision & my Awe Inspired Intro!

I am a sarcastic, foul mouthed, Aquarian who rode a comet called West to this dimension so that i could learn and grow by engaging in cosmic activism on a planet clearly in need.

I am a Virgo Rising but don’t let that fool you, I never shut up. Although I have the ego to keep me wrapped in my pipe dreams till starvation forces my body’s action, My Moon is on Libra and it presses me to see soliace and Justice from the constant self deprecation and over analyzing.

My entire life I’ve lived from one hard ideology to the next without ever truly questing for balance. I’m an Aquarius so I’m pretty sure I already know everything and thereby have released myself from real growth via rationalizing my own ignorance. It’s a gift I tell you, a true gift.

2017 kicked my ass and sent me into the Shadowland. That year started with the loss of my job and all that came next shook my “knowledge” so hard every fucking skeleton in every closet came crashing on me. I think the uninverse, ancestors, Aliens, and even the Sasquatch Clan were part of this RUDE awakening.

Directly following my 41st birthday the rest of the tower fell and there I sat unable to deny myself to myself anymore…that didn’t stop me from giving it the good ol college try though! An Aquarian can stubborn with the best of them for sure.

Mid-May the rope I was hanging from broke…or was cut by some RUDE member of the Wake-The-Fuck-Up club in the universe. Regardless I fell and spend the rest of the year seeking death, arguing with death, surrendering, and then being given a choice to die for real or die the death of ego so I might live.

It was all very fucking dramatic and full of drugs, fire, endless nights of madness, Moon dances, hula hoop, sex, and tears. An ocean of tears I grieved for the loss of self and the shadow beings revealed who I thought were enemies, and now call friend.

I never read Carl Jung but like pretty much all the key Ingredients in life, he came when I needed him through the voice of an Aries woman who is one of very few I trusted enough to confuse the truth I found in the shadowlands.

My truth. My shadows. This brings me to why I came here.

Quite simply I need to grow up because I was given a gift in the dark that isn’t my own to keep. But I’m lazy and arrogant and I doubt all of this shit every other second. So many days are wasted in thoughts thatat least can GO somewhere to be the foundation of this thing I don’t know how to build.

I don’t have a drive to find dogmatic bullshit—a new name or time doesn’t erase the disease of the human mind—or get sucked into endless conspiracies that all have shreds of truth, but ultimately have core philosophical discourses of shit. I can’t tell u every house or planet or even what the fuck a sextile is or does. I’m not 100% sure I am ever going to know.

I guess I came here to let you all watch me try or join me if you want.

Peace135896B4-60DF-4437-8F4A-3D4CAC6D6F5D

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Tarot Shadows: A Project in Introspection

I have been fucking around with tarot cards for about 10 years and I never took them seriously even though I have been fortunate enough to have the gift of what I call The KNOW.  Simply put, I am able to get information that comes from outside of my own person intuitively and it is generally correct.  Even when I don’t have the exact thing that is happening pin pointed I can often be near someone and know that they are hiding something, or unhappy, or in some altered state of consciousness.

Tarot cards are incredibly interesting to me and they are also a fucking MASSIVE undertaking in terms of really learning them in the academic sense.  I have been a fully intuitive reader who always has the book with her until this point.  Basically I didn’t read the cards as much as used them to back up whatever it was that I was feeling.  Since it was just a fun thing to do for friends it really didn’t matter to me if I memorized them all or not.  Today being a parlor trick seer is not longer and option for me.  I am on an actual quest to learn the tarot and as many associations as I can because I saw a future in a deep meditation where we are not going to be able to rely solely on our intellect to save us, we are going to need to use our mind AND our magick.

I know what some of you are thinking.  Since I decided that my freedom is just as important as your and began to “come out” as an addict I have been invalidated.  Being a meth addict means when I start to talk about my ideas it is usually at this point that people tune me out.  Or even better, make that concerned she-is-really-crazy judgement look and then tune me out. For the record, I am fully sane.  I know what I know and I am not going to waste time defending myself ever.  I have had supernatural powers my whole life and I was taught that I was not trustworthy with my own feelings and thoughts.  It is all bullshit.  I trust myself and I trust what I have learned.

Drugs connect people to things they couldn’t get to without them.  We all know this and yet we fucking pretend that when they shoot people with big needles for “truth serums” or “vision”  in movies they aren’t giving them acid, concentrated shrooms, or even meth.  I think that meth is likely the worst thing I have ever done to myself in terms of self hate; However, I refuse to ignore that it did give me the ability to SEE myself for who I really am.  The light and the dark. The me and my shadow.  I have had exponential personal growth in the last year, which will fuel the rest of my life.  I have also been trapped in the Shadowlands and seeking a way out for as long.

Life is not cut and dry.  Ask any military commander that gave the order that would murder x amount of civilians to save 5 times as many somewhere else.  Both fucking choices are bullshit and no matter what someone dies. It took me this long to realize that and it applies to EVERYTHING.  I think that we need to focus on not getting to the point where we are at war to begin with, whether that is internally or globally, then we wont have to make those kind of choices.  Unfortunately, the world is not there yet and neither am I.  Maybe I am now…I hope.  Due to the time I have invested in research, meditation, spells, and practical magick I have come to some very unpopular beliefs that I won’t even start to talk about here yet.  I will reiterate that I strongly feel community is more important than ever before.  I believe (and you 100% never have to feel this way) that we need to focus on coming fully into our bodies so that both our body and mind are PRESENT for the future.  I believe things are going to happen in the not to distant future that are going to require magick.  Anyhoo…

What this all boils down to is that learning the Tarot is a bitch on a regular day.  Now that I am relapsing holy fuck what a pain in the ass.  When I was working on it sober I wasn’t getting to far to fast either because I was in the middle of a shit storm of a “relationship” and “business” at the same time I was getting sober for the first time in 7 months.  I wasn’t going through as much but I was retaining more.  I got in 35 days clean before I relapsed (I am still fucking proud of that shit), but realized that now I am awake more and subsequently retaining less.  Sleep happens for a reason…dah!  Not to mention there is a phenomena in the tweaker world calling “getting stuck” that can fuck up 12 hours of your life if you are not able to catch it.  Anyone tweaking that is reading this right now knows…getting stuck is a fucking THING.  It means you basically cannot stop what you are doing until your brain -unless there is someone else that is up your ass to do something or you have to leave etc.  Left unsupervised though the “stuck” person can stay on a task…well…indefinitely I suppose.  I mean I spent 24 hours masturbating one night last summer because I got so stuck there was no undoing that shit.  Even losing skin from my va-jay didn’t do the trick.  Some things just have to wear themselves out.  Or rub the skin off.  I can say that it’s great to get stuck on the shit you NEED to be doing but usually it is some dumb article or You Tube thing.  Basically, its a goddamn distraction that I try very hard to avoid by taking care of myself, but it is something that just happens and so it is a challenge I will face until I go to rehab in July.  I guess you could say I am stuck here.  HAHA!!

I realized as I was studying that one of the things that we don’t really talk about much with the mainstream tarot readers is how the cards in reverse are really just the shadow selves of the archetypes themselves.  This led me to wanting to see what would a shadow side look like and I started inverting the pictures.  The understanding in my brain soared and I feel  like one of the muses that I called for in a spell I did on the last new moon gave me that thought because it is fucking INSPIRED.  Thank you muse.

Above you will see the 8 of Pentacles from the Wild Unknown Tarot by Kim Krans in her original version and next to it is what I call the shadow side.  I have been doing this for all of the cards and I really understand reversals in a whole new way.

The upright card shows the spider fully present in that moment of utter relax because a project is complete.  It is bathed in light and you can see it is perfectly centered in the spiral of life.  The 8 of pentacles is about being ground and secure, well balanced, and the completion of a job. The 8’s represent infinity and the need to understand the cyclical nature of all things.

Reversed spider is fading into the abyss.  Although she sits in the center of her web she is a ghost of what she could be, she is translucent.  Spider in reversed seems to have finished her job but is this just a dream?  The coloration of the web and the pentacles that surround her give her the appearance of being real and unreal.  Spider needs to buckle down and put in work because she has been dreaming so much she is losing sight of her own being.  The 8 of pentacles shadow side is about dreaming your life away and disappearing into your own abyss.  In this world your goals are not accomplished and eventually you will no longer care because fading out hurts a lot less than being squished.

If the 8 of pentacles shows up in your life with a shadow be sure to ask yourself are you going after your goals, or are you still asleep?

 

[Note: if you are high reading this and you just need someone to connect with who will not judge you, please feel free to hit me up on one of the social medial links.  I lived in TERROR of being found out and the consequences and I damn near killed myself.  Although I respect a person’s right to end their own life I just want you to know that you do not have to do that if you choose not too.  I am not ever going to judge and I am up, often!

If you are someone who is considering doing hard drugs for fun, do yourself the favor of getting a more balanced hobby that wont cost you teeth.  Some things are just not worth the ending. 

If you are looking for a tarot reading that is likely to be okay and is free hit me up.  I will make you a video.

Here is a resource that I fell in love with last year and got so much support from.  If you are looking for a place to give money give it to this site they are fucking KEY to the survival of addicts in a world that wants us all to just die.  This site helped to keep me alive and taught me how to use with less damage to my body.  Thank you Drug Forum  ]

 

Shit! I suck at blogging!

I have been writing and that makes me happy. I haven’t been writing for this blog though and that is not as happy. It turns out that I have so much to say and just not enough time to also stay on top of my self care.

I didn’t end up sober. I was sober last Monday to Thursday and then i caved. I am not beating myself up over this. I have a good plan for the future and I have been doing a lot of healthy things to get ready for rehab. I need to be in a facility or around adults when I get sober. I honestly only made it the 35 days this past spring because my ex was around. He really should be awarded a Purple Heart for that shit because being with a detoxing meth addict is fucking hell. Especially one whose ego was inflated and she cried all day every day, and we were starting a business. SMDH.

I talked a lot of shit but I’ve spent A LOT of time in meditation and real self reflection so I can truly say, that relationship could have been beautiful if my own fear and addictions weren’t driving the ship. He wasn’t perfect but I really felt he was perfect for ME. In the time I’ve been addicted to meth I’ve lost 2 really great guys because…addiction is a fucking lying ass piece of shit disease that ruins lives for sport. My choices…I have regrets.

I also know that neither of the great guys was blameless or perfect. Who in the fuck is either of those things. I can also say that I need to be alone right now and for a long time. I can’t do the fake FWB shit because I’m fragile and I’m an addict. I get attached to people and then I get fucking insane with tweaker paranoia. It’s fucking ugly and shameful. I need to LOVE ME FULLY before I let anyone actually KNOW me again. No more of the old shit. Going into a new version of Serastar and I need to have my own fucking compass. Intimate partners distract me.

I sometimes think I don’t even want a relationship at all. I am just lonely and get scared. Cause the truth is I’m happier when I can flirt recklessly with whomever, wear what I want without questions, act totally eccentric and beautiful in voyeur ways, and do what the fuck I want in my bedroom at all times. Having a person around fucks with my ability to watch porn and masturbate whenever. Sometimes I don’t want a person involved. A girl has to have fantasies!

Not to mention I keep fucking around w these guys that like three ways and shit but only with women. No. Fucking so sick of that. I want to fuck other guys too and this patriarchal bullshit jealous arrogant controlling shit just doesn’t make me happy. I end up bowing to it because I was born with a vagina in a Patriarchy, which means I HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED, and knowing you are programmed doesn’t stop the program from working. It takes A LOT of CONSTANT effort to break the cycles of indoctrination. I mean anyone alive now no matter what gender identity is programmed. The Patriarchy is fucking us all up, but that’s another post. I’m already to preachy ha!

Long story short I’m not sober and although it will make my first days in Maine interesting with detoxing there, I at peace with it. I can only do what I can do. I’m human and I’m sick.

In other news I got my Harris/Crowley (I’m making her the lead he has had the title for far to long) and I’m in LOVE. I created a Spread I call the Lucky Eagle and subsequently did the most intense, meaningful, self Spread of my life. I took tons of pics with the intent of doing this great blog about it. I suck at blogs. I also suck at spreads on camera. I think these two things mean I’m not cut out for online tarot work. Ahaha! Well I’m fine with that. I can read cards in person much better and I’m not distracted by my constantly worrying mind which makes me doubt everything. When I am not on cam my spreads are deeply intuitive and I remember things that i forget otherwise.

I’ve been doing so much soul searching for healing and a life path. I really want to be aligned with my higher purpose as I now believe that I DO have one. I keep getting the message to BE THE FOOL. BEGIN! No matter how crazy it seems go for it. Follow your child’s desires. In addition this is a huge year for me numerical and astrological. Plus every significant thing in my life always happens on 8, 18, and 28. This is 2018 and Big shit is happening already with a huge bang to come. I am Manifesting 25K and I know it’s coming. I’m also manifesting the BIG money career that combines ALL my talents, is humanitarian focused, and still keeps the real me at the core. I think I know what I’m planning and many people are gonna think I’ve lost it, but my heart chakra woke up this last week and I am IN MY BODY as well as my mind. I’m ready for BIG BIG changes.

I need to say now that I’m very aware of myself as a person in terms of starting shit she never finishes. It’s an actual epidemic in my life and next to maintained sobriety it is THE priority for change this year. I cannot keep letting my kids and myself down. It makes me hate me and I’m so bored with self hate. So, if you are a reader that has known me longer than 5 minutes you might roll your eyes at my grand plans. Is ok. I think that even the shit I start and don’t finish serves a vital purpose and I accept that I’ll always have areas for character growth. Not everyone can be a type A personality or life would be so fucking …ordered. I appreciate the fuck out of type A’s though and say all the time I need a Virgo around me at work because they are generally the BEST at not missing the details. I fucking love Virgos! A funny aside–Virgo is usually my worst sign for relationship compatibility but my best for working together. However, I seem to fall for Virgos in very intense and long lasting ways. Weird how opposites attract.

Okay, this is kinda all over the place but I accept it. I wanted to at least say something and I have so this is a checked item on the list. Yay me!

Be well y’all!