I know a thing. I can’t unknow it. Life goes on. I still love you. You took my whole heart and I willingly let it go. It is so hard to live without my heart.
I ache for you with every atom in my body. It’s been so long and still you have my whole heart. I knew a thing and I can’t unknow it. I still don’t understand why I wasn’t enough. I don’t think I ever will.
I just love you. I hope you are doing amazing and laughing every day. I send you love and light every single day. It’s so hard not knowing you anymore. It’s so hard letting you go and knowing I likely will never hear from you again. It’s so hard to stay quiet and keep it in because there’s no point in even saying the words anymore.
I can’t stay quiet today. It’s Leap Day and I am dying inside, missing everything about you, and I just can’t be strong today. So I am taking a Leap and letting some of it out.
I love you. I just really love you. Even now. Even after all of it. Even though it’s pointless. My heart has wanted you and only you all along.
I started trying to write a blog at least six times in the last week and nothing seemed important enough to say. I promised myself that I was going to write at least three days a week in 2020, but it is turning out that getting what is in my head onto a blank page is just as hard as it has always been. It turns out that if I want my neurotransmitters and neuropathways to align with my 2020 goals I am going to have to put actions behind the thoughts. Ha! Who knew? I digress. I find I am struggling within myself to decide what I want to share with the world and what is best kept to myself. I haven’t come to a firm decision on that yet so I am going to keep talking dreams and whatever feels comfortable right now.
A dream that I had recently happened in Bookland. This is a place that I visit in dreams that is created from a book or books that I have read. The location of this place in my dream was from the book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by: Roald Dahl. It was definitely one of my more fun trips to Bookland. Usually I end up in places that are created by the horror author Stephen King. Predictably, perhaps, those dreams have a lot of fear, longing, and despair. I can’t recall much of the dream, but have I have discussed before that really doesn’t matter. What I do remember is I was living the part of the book in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
I was the main character, Charlie Bucket, and I was also myself. The duality of personality is something I am familiar with in the dream state. I often dream as a character and myself. It is hard to explain it but I have come to understand it as the separation of my ego from the archetypal energy that I need to work with. In the case of being Charlie and myself, I was removing my ego from my inner-child. At one point I was Grandpa Joe, the adult who accompanied Charlie on the tour, telling Charlie to keep moving or we would get lost in the maze of the factory.
As Charlie, I felt excited and amazing at everything I was seeing and feeling. I was at the chocolate river watching the other children play and have fun. I wanted to play and jump around but I was not comfortable. I felt scared that I was going to play wrong and someone would make fun of me or tell me to stop. I ate a blade of the sugar grass and it felt so good. But I would not leave Grandpa Joe. I stayed holding his hand. As Grandpa Joe, I felt safer when Charlie was holding my hand. There was a part of me that felt guilty for feeling that way because I knew he wanted to have fun like other kids. My anxiety couldn’t handle the threat of him being hurt or humiliated. I understood that I was instilling my anxiety of the world and the pain he could experience into him as a mechanism to protect him. We walked around more in the dream and I think even relived moments from the two movies that have been made of the book. None of that stayed with me when I woke up.
The last thing I remember is that we walked outside and there was not a town outside of the factory like in the book and the movies. Instead there was only an endless prairie of green that went on for many miles. Eventually, it reached large mountains that seemed to touch the perfect blue sky. In my dream I knew I was in the U.S. state of Montana, a place I’ve not ever been in this life, and that this was different than the book. I understood that I had changed the characteristics of Bookland because I knew I was dreaming. I also knew that I wasn’t offered the factory. Instead I was just going to leave and move into the mountains and make my own life.
What I took from this dream is that my ego is still working to hard to protect my inner child. At one time in my life I needed this protection because I was fragile and unsure of myself. As a child and even into my adulthood I was vulnerable and I needed to have ego so that I would not become more traumatized. Since my early 30’s I have worked off and on to better myself, process trauma, learn cognitive behavioral skills, and generally become a woman who is safe enough in her life to be authentic. My inner child wants to explore and experience things. Little Me is excited and needs room to explore. My ego is still over parenting and protective. I have been letting anxiety scare me into not speaking my truth, not trying new things, and generally not allowing the part of me that really needs room to play any kind of freedom.
I realized over the last few days that I am actually very interested in dating. I have been pushing off new people and new adventures for way to fucking long. I was stuck on my ex for a ridiculously long time and lately, I am truly feeling free. I think I finally cried my last tears over it when I had the dream about him being pregnant that linked to a similar dream a year ago. Since that day, the curious child in me is ready to try again. I’ve been meeting new people and they excite me. I have also noticed that I excite others. For months I have felt aged and dying. Like there was nothing left for me in the world of dating, sex, and romantic interests. I think I was really just stuck in that fear. My ego was acting like Grandpa Joe to my inner child’s curious longing to try all the candy!
What I see today as I get this out of my head and onto paper is that I am ready and excited to start dating again. I am actually turned on by the thought of someone new touching my body. I don’t feel sad that it won’t be my ex. Instead I am feeling excited that I get to have sex with whomever I want. I am looking forward to kissing new people and going on new adventures. I am looking forward to having sex without all the bullshit of heavy emotional bonds. I am safe to explore this area of my life again. I am safe to be curious, open, adventurous, and free. I am safe to be myself again. I am finally fucking free and my dreams confirmed that for me. What an amazing gift my life is today. What an amazing gift that I didn’t get tied down to someone that wasn’t even the best fit for me. I am so grateful for my freedom and for my ability to just go and explore the chocolate factory again. Life. Is. Beautiful.